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Hey, hey!

No doubt it's been away a while, but it's been busy and all this revision is really agrestic.

Anywho, I have found the latest love of my life....Well, I say that, but she's more of an object to drool at. Her name is Abi Harding, the saxophonist in The Zutons, and my! She has fine legs! A true callipygian, though I do suspect that she will develop a bad case of steatopygia; best to love her while she's young.

Now don't say I'm shallow, I know that everyone has to have something to drool at, it's just common sense. There's this fellow called Johnny Depp, who (with that charming and feminine face) could have easily been a female sex icon amongst us men. Alas, he has that appendage which only belongs to roughly half the population; a beard. Well, I assume so as the new Pirates of the Caribbean is coming out soon. Oh, the cruel twists of fate make us all humble, yadda, yadda *Polly wants a cracker* schmadda, yadda.

There seems to many 'lost' words in the English language. It shall be my attempt in life, amongst other things, to use all the fantastic words which have been forgotten by humanity. Hence the wonderful words up above, which you may not have understood. Unless you did understand them, in which case I congratulate you and your kind for being insufferable know-it-alls.

Yeah, I have dim views of intelligent people. I mean, if they were truly clever they would do things to help mankind. Oh, yes, you have the men of history who have done that, but those were complete flukes. I mean, take Newton; he only discovered gravity because an apple hit him on the head. I can just imagine the scene now...

"Ow! That unscrupulous apple hit me on my cranium. I deduce it must be because I am sitting under an apple tree. What made that apple fall on my head? I will hunt that malicious force down and kill it with my bare hands!"

*Picks up apple*

"Oooo, a variety of apple that is known as Cox. I rather like Cox..."

Penicillin was a complete accident, as were microwaves. The people who benefit the world only do it by accident, it seems.

So where do all the brainy ones end up? Earning millions in translational companies, devising a new way to manipulate people into buying something they don't need. Bah! I hate consumerism.

And where will it lead us? I'll tell you where; hedgehogs, that's where. What do you brush your teeth with? Hedgehogs. What do you use as a pillow? Hedgehogs. The next computers? Super intelligent hedgehogs who actually might benefit mankind, because all the other brains are trying to make you buy the hedgehog.

"Hello sir, would you like to try Andrex Hard and Brittle? It's got added hedgehog."

"No, not really. Wiping my behind with a hedgehog sounds mighty painful to me"

"Oh, no, sir! The added spines and spherical shape make it much more efficient, with 30% more poo removed than other leading brands."

"Sounds good, but I'm still not sure"

"Um....they're very cute! Look! Marvel at their cuteness!"

"My goodness, you're right! I'll take 10!"

Mind , those weird S&M people might find it all good fun. I never understood those people anyways. To be honest, being whipped, hit, burned and generally mutilated doesn't sound very sexy. And why do they do it in those silly costumes? If I found pain sexually arousing I'd make weekly trips to Glasgow. Once there, I would call a random male a 'poof', and presto! Instant pain and/or pleasure, depending on how you look at it.

Saying that about looking at things, I saw on Saturday a young girl who I assumed was blind. She had large glasses and was holding onto a young male's hand. No common sense did not tell me she wasn't blind (I mean, where was the dog? There was no dog! The fool that I am!) until she picked what type of fruit she wanted at the little coffee shop. Then it finally kicked in...slowly...Oh, she's not blind then. I don't know why I had so hoped she was blind. I mean at her age it would have been a shame if she was. I think it's just you don't see many blind people; cruel pun not intended, but is there nevertheless. Seemed a bit of a novelty really, which is a tad harsh.

Another topic which may be harsh is my hatred of the new 'Monday' lottery thing. I mean, they're paying people to make a name for this lottery, and they come up with 'Monday'!? I would've smacked those advertising people they wouldn't know what the days of the week were, therefore giving me a better name than 'Monday'. Monday? How dull can you get, not to mention the confusion when you're trying to talk about the thing. I play on Monday; I would have won on Monday etc. Plus, they have that stupid chav character (an imitation of Jesus? White tracksuit, followers...Are they trying to create a Jesus role model for gambling? BLASPHEMY!), which admittedly is funny, but still manages to annoy me. What is with the 'duh-duh' speech? It would have been much funnier if he was articulate. Here's what I would do with the 'Monday' adverts...

*Two gorillas sitting on tree stumps, having cups of tea* "Well, I say old chap, have you heard of the new gambling force that's sweeping the nation?"

"Gosh, why, no I haven't. What is it called?"

"Gambling with Gorillas. The closest number wins, so everyone has a great chance of winning (subject to conditions and ripping off other people)"

"Wow, that sounds amazing. I will go play right now"

*Hunters come along, and stare at the talking gorillas* "Ahhh, but we are being observed"

*Gorillas start grunting, and make monkey sounds whilst throwing tea cups into the bushes* Everyone wants to gamble with a gorilla; money, please.

By rights, I should be a very rich man by now. But not as rich as everyone involved with the new series of Lost. I thought that the term referred to the characters, and not the audience. I mean, cut the crap with people's past lives (especially the goody goody doctor, jeenie mac, BORING), and give me zombies and more underground bunkers. At least that's tripe I can watch. Instead, the makers just string out 3 or 4 ideas across a whole series. For example, bald guy (I am not learning their names) who thinks he's Buddha is kind of cool because he ends up nearly killing himself all the time, and I really want him to die, so I watch it. Chinese guy is funny. Fat guy is 'interesting death in the waiting'. See? I've got it all figured out.

I assume something to do with football is upcoming; not sure what exactly. Supposedly, 'all of England is holding their breath because of Rooney's broken foot'. I'm not. They say football is the beautiful game, but I don't actually see any beauty. The players all have their heads shaved, and find English hard to speak, either because they're foreign, or more oxygen is supplied to their legs than their brain. They also have the need to kill each other once in a while on the pitch. The fans aren't pretty, unless there's a hidden art in rioting. Maybe rioting is an art form; it's certainly expressive.

Anywho, I would like to wish my sincere condolences at the soon departure of Ingrid. She's been an avid reader of Random Musings, and must be congratulated for understanding it, as even those who belong to this strange land can't comprehend the unfathomable mysteries within these dark emails of...um...stuff. Goodbye Ingrid, and let me say good luck back in French-land if I don't write another Musings before you go (very likely as I'm lazy).

As for the rest of you, remember,

The USA has never lost a war when it employed the use of donkeys.

You have been warned.

Random Musings (14 - 05 - 2006)

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