. : Random Musings (12 - 03 - 2007) : .
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Welcome to the Random Musings!
An email so vast and incomprehensible, many have likened it
to John Prescott trapped in their inbox. Just like his
secretary, really.
Anywho, here I am, barely able to contain myself that I have
a general studies exam next Friday. As we all know, general
studies is a load of trollop. Universally hated by teachers
and students alike for its lack of common sense (when it's
trying to teach you that) and the fact that NOWHERE accepts
the bloody thing. I understand why the college forces us to
do it (easy A + many students = more funding), but it still
doesn't make this cure for insomnia any more likeable.
I say that I'm barely able to contain myself because,
frankly, I don't care about general studies, and I think
it'll be great fun putting in un-PC lines. For example, with
the question "How do you define old age?",
The model answer would have been "Old age is hard to define,
because whilst the government states old age as over 65..."
and so on. However, this is very boring to write in the
exam, so I was thinking along these lines:
"Old age is determined by how close one feels to Death, with
his cold, clammy fingers sliding down one's back and the
feeling that life is pointless and miserable starts to
permeate into a shrunken, useless brain. Some people never
reach old age, but the rest of us do. Be warned, all ye who
retire! This shall be thy fate".
As an examiner, which would YOU prefer? The person who's
going to get an A, but sounds the same as everyone else? Or
the person, who'll get an E, knows this and will give you a
good laugh? I think we all know the answer. That's right;
onion rings.
Now that the 'next Friday' previously quoted has arrived, I
found the general studies exam not too shabby. The only part
I found impossible was my own doing, however. When the
question wanted an international conflict, with reasons why
it started and an outline how it could be resolved, I
thought "NORTH KOREA". So I happily gave some reasons why
they hate each other, and why North Koreans hate North
America (strange...you would've thought with only one word
different between their names, they could make up and give
each other cakes). Yet I found great difficulty in outlining
how the two sides could get back together. I mean, if the
script writers of "Die Another Day" made a hash of it, what
could I do? In the end, I said something about freedom of
movement between the two countries, although the amount of
defectors from the North to the South would be too much for
the South to handle, me thinks. On Kim Jong il's to do list,
'nuclear capability' is above 'feed starving population'.
I was reading the Times the other day, and was horrified to
discover that Abu Hamza al-Masri (the radical Muslim cleric)
had clocked up over 1 million pounds in legal fees. The
precise amount was £1,088,944.97. I was actually
flabbergasted. A million pounds of tax money spent on one
man is ridiculous. I don't know if this is a regular
occurrence for long court cases, but I never realised that
this sort of money could be spent defending somebody. I'm
all for a fair trial, but then again, only so much money can
make a man innocent. It just smells guilty when someone
needs over a million to get a good defence.
Last night I watched "The Great Global Warming Swindle", and
I have to say that (despite its sensationalist language and
annoying self righteous tone) it was interesting. One of the
main problems that is highlighted with the problem of global
warming is that it is a scientific problem, and not many
people in society understand science. Because, try as we
might, society will never be scientific. Science is not a
profitable career, neither is it very attractive for most of
the populace.
We rely on the media to relay information to us, and
sometimes this is very foolhardy. You're reading someone
else's opinion, and information which has been tampered
down. My advice is not to believe that every single bloody
'unusual' event is due to global warming; the world's
process are constantly changing, and just because your
daffodils have bloomed early does not mean the world is
going to end. Nevertheless, my interpretation of the
information I have read is that large amounts of CO2 being
emitted into the atmosphere will change the climate, and
therefore it's necessary for our generation to do something
about it. This is, however, my opinion. I hate it when the
scientific community desecrates the reputation of scientists
if they disagree with global warming, that isn't what
science is about. Science needs healthy discussion and
debate, and I whole-heartedly encourage this with global
warming. What is not needed is for people, who have no idea
of the complexity of the matter, jumping on the bandwagon
and telling us that we need to get rid of our western
luxuries/stop the 3rd world developing/destroy America.
Regardless...if global warming isn't happening, we still
have to cut down on our fossil fuel usage, because in 50
years time, the oil runs out. We need to prepare for the day
when energy will be very hard to come by.
But enough of the 'we're all going to die' topics. What has
annoyed me more and more over the past few weeks is the
increasing amount of cyclists on the pavement. It sounds
petty, but it's only the things you encounter every day that
you can truly complain about. For example, I can complain
about world poverty, but as I've never experienced it, I
think it's sounds hollow and false coming from my mouth.
Anywho, these cyclists have the audacity to
a) cycle in the direction contrary to the movement of most
of the pedestrians
b) ring their bell/holler at anyone who gets in their way.
Usually their language is offensive.
c) feel as though they are the victims of an evil
conspiracy, where drivers and pedestrians are always out to
get them.
Y'know, mr cyclist, there's a reason WHY drivers always try
to kill you; because you're bloody annoying. Half of the
cyclists around cambridge don't wear a helmet, any shiny
stuff, or have lights. They also think it's cool to wear
dark clothes at night (I think the "I wear black, I'm from
the matrix maaaan! If I can dodge bullets, a car at 70mph is
a toddle dude" syndrome is to blame). This is just a vain
attempt on the cyclists to try to hide on the road, so that
the drivers won't be able to see them. Unfortunately, the
chance of hitting a cyclist in a car when they're hiding is
actually more likely than if a cyclist were visible in the
first place.
This makes drivers happy, since they kill more of the
cyclist scum, and they don't even have to aim. If I just...
veer to my left...aaaaand another cyclist bounces off my
bonnet. What the hell, I'll go on the wrong side of the
road, and flail wildy with my car. Yay! Another one dead.
Cyclists! Do yourself a favour, make yourself SEEN! When a
war is being waged (don't deny it's anything else between
cyclists and drivers), there's no time for hiding. Once
you're seen, get armed. Oil slicks, paintball guns and keys
attached to your handlebars (for drive-by keying! Watch the
driver's face as it slowly dawns on him what you're doing,
ever so slowly passing by his car in a traffic jam).
I have to admit, I'm on the cyclist's side, simply because
I'm not driving yet. When asked why, I babble on about
exams, and that if I started now, the tests would be in my
exam period. The real reason is that I'm lazy. But
then...everyone knew that anyway, they just accepted my
excuse. This is much like the use of the word 'sorry' in
England. It's funny, but just the other day, I realised how
much we say it to one another, especially when we don't
actually mean it. For example, as you're moving through a
crowd...
"Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Ooo, hello there. My name's Eoin,
what's yours?"
...
...
"That's a mop and bucket Eoin"
"I knew that...I was just...er...saying hello, being mop and
bucket liason officer for the college and all. There was a
nasty strike about 10 years ago."
"(?)"
"Sorry"
See? We use it so often. It's supposed to be polite, but
constant use dilutes the meaning of the word. It means that
when we really do try to convey 'I'm sorry' we either have
to buy flowers and/or chocolates, or use lots of adjectives
to get it across. Otherwise, it just doesn't look, well,
like you're sorry. Honestly, just count how many times you
say sorry in one day day where it wasn't really necessary or
when you weren't. It clocks up to a horrendous amount. I
admire the French in their use of sorry. They use 'sorry'
when they have to squirm out of something really drastic
like... (remember to read this in your head with a french
accent)
"Marie, I think you are the best wife in the world."
"Oh, Pierre! Thank you!"
"Yes, you are much better than my other three."
"Pierre!"
"I also smothered your mother with a pillow. She did not
choke on her croissant."
"Oh my god!"
"But I am sorry"
"Oh, I love you Pierre"
In situations where an Englishman uses 'sorry', a Frenchman
uses language which is more suited to the occasion.
"Get out of my way, you cretins! I am much more important
than you, and I'm not afraid to shout this out as LOUD AS I
CAN"
"Bugger off, monsieur, I want to get through this crowd more
than you do. This is because you have shit for brains."
"I hear they called your mother 'The Neighbourhood Brick'
she got laid so many times."
"You say 'sorry' like an Englishman"
"You..."
*break through crowd*
"Well, we are out of the crowd now friend. Same time
tomorrow?"
"Okay, until then. Goodbye"
Alas, we must leave it there for this issue. And so I will
leave you with this little nugget of information which I
found.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs
into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
This is stupid. I think anything will let go if you gouge
out its eyes. Let's go for another fact.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
The other 86% of us just don't eat bloody watermelons.
Random Musings (12 - 03 - 2007)
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