Subject: FW: useful tips to make u smile! Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Give comics the 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning simply move it all back again. CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. And Finally........................ AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be the first to hear what's new at MSN - sign up to our free newsletters! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Are you using the latest version of MSN Messenger? 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