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Welcome to the Random Musings! An email so vast and
incomprehensible, many have likened it to John Prescott trapped
in their inbox. Just like his secretary, really.
Anywho, here I am, barely able to contain myself that I have a
general studies exam next Friday. As we all know, general
studies is a load of trollop. Universally hated by teachers and
students alike for its lack of common sense (when it's trying to
teach you that) and the fact that NOWHERE accepts the bloody
thing. I understand why the college forces us to do it (easy A +
many students = more funding), but it still doesn't make this
cure for insomnia any more likeable.
I say that I'm barely able to contain myself because, frankly, I
don't care about general studies, and I think it'll be great fun
putting in un-PC lines. For example, with the question "How do
you define old age?",
The model answer would have been "Old age is hard to define,
because whilst the government states old age as over 65..." and
so on. However, this is very boring to write in the exam, so I
was thinking along these lines:
"Old age is determined by how close one feels to Death, with his
cold, clammy fingers sliding down one's back and the feeling
that life is pointless and miserable starts to permeate into a
shrunken, useless brain. Some people never reach old age, but
the rest of us do. Be warned, all ye who retire! This shall be
thy fate".
As an examiner, which would YOU prefer? The person who's going
to get an A, but sounds the same as everyone else? Or the
person, who'll get an E, knows this and will give you a good
laugh? I think we all know the answer. That's right; onion
rings.
Now that the 'next Friday' previously quoted has arrived, I
found the general studies exam not too shabby. The only part I
found impossible was my own doing, however. When the question
wanted an international conflict, with reasons why it started
and an outline how it could be resolved, I thought "NORTH
KOREA". So I happily gave some reasons why they hate each other,
and why North Koreans hate North America (strange...you would've
thought with only one word different between their names, they
could make up and give each other cakes). Yet I found great
difficulty in outlining how the two sides could get back
together. I mean, if the script writers of "Die Another Day"
made a hash of it, what could I do? In the end, I said something
about freedom of movement between the two countries, although
the amount of defectors from the North to the South would be too
much for the South to handle, me thinks. On Kim Jong il's to do
list, 'nuclear capability' is above 'feed starving population'.
I was reading the Times the other day, and was horrified to
discover that Abu Hamza al-Masri (the radical Muslim cleric) had
clocked up over 1 million pounds in legal fees. The precise
amount was £1,088,944.97. I was actually flabbergasted. A
million pounds of tax money spent on one man is ridiculous. I
don't know if this is a regular occurrence for long court cases,
but I never realised that this sort of money could be spent
defending somebody. I'm all for a fair trial, but then again,
only so much money can make a man innocent. It just smells
guilty when someone needs over a million to get a good defence.
Last night I watched "The Great Global Warming Swindle", and I
have to say that (despite its sensationalist language and
annoying self righteous tone) it was interesting. One of the
main problems that is highlighted with the problem of global
warming is that it is a scientific problem, and not many people
in society understand science. Because, try as we might, society
will never be scientific. Science is not a profitable career,
neither is it very attractive for most of the populace.
We rely on the media to relay information to us, and sometimes
this is very foolhardy. You're reading someone else's opinion,
and information which has been tampered down. My advice is not
to believe that every single bloody 'unusual' event is due to
global warming; the world's process are constantly changing, and
just because your daffodils have bloomed early does not mean the
world is going to end. Nevertheless, my interpretation of the
information I have read is that large amounts of CO2 being
emitted into the atmosphere will change the climate, and
therefore it's necessary for our generation to do something
about it. This is, however, my opinion. I hate it when the
scientific community desecrates the reputation of scientists if
they disagree with global warming, that isn't what science is
about. Science needs healthy discussion and debate, and I
whole-heartedly encourage this with global warming. What is not
needed is for people, who have no idea of the complexity of the
matter, jumping on the bandwagon and telling us that we need to
get rid of our western luxuries/stop the 3rd world
developing/destroy America.
Regardless...if global warming isn't happening, we still have to
cut down on our fossil fuel usage, because in 50 years time, the
oil runs out. We need to prepare for the day when energy will be
very hard to come by.
But enough of the 'we're all going to die' topics. What has
annoyed me more and more over the past few weeks is the
increasing amount of cyclists on the pavement. It sounds petty,
but it's only the things you encounter every day that you can
truly complain about. For example, I can complain about world
poverty, but as I've never experienced it, I think it sounds
hollow and false coming from my mouth. Anywho, these cyclists
have the audacity to
a) cycle in the direction contrary to the movement of most of
the pedestrians
b) ring their bell/holler at anyone who gets in their way.
Usually their language is offensive.
c) feel as though they are the victims of an evil conspiracy,
where drivers and pedestrians are always out to get them.
Y'know, mr cyclist, there's a reason WHY drivers always try to
kill you; because you're bloody annoying. Half of the cyclists
around Cambridge don't wear a helmet, any shiny stuff, or have
lights. They also think it's cool to wear dark clothes at night
(I think the "I wear black, I'm from the matrix maaaan! If I can
dodge bullets, a car at 70mph is a toddle dude" syndrome is to
blame). This is just a vain attempt on the cyclists to try to
hide on the road, so that the drivers won't be able to see them.
Unfortunately, the chance of hitting a cyclist in a car when
they're hiding is actually more likely than if a cyclist were
visible in the first place.
This makes drivers happy, since they kill more of the cyclist
scum, and they don't even have to aim. If I just... veer to my
left...aaaaand another cyclist bounces off my bonnet. What the
hell, I'll go on the wrong side of the road, and flail wildy
with my car. Yay! Another one dead.
Cyclists! Do yourself a favour, make yourself SEEN! When a war
is being waged (don't deny it's anything else between cyclists
and drivers), there's no time for hiding. Once you're seen, get
armed. Oil slicks, paintball guns and keys attached to your
handlebars (for drive-by keying! Watch the driver's face as it
slowly dawns on him what you're doing, ever so slowly passing by
his car in a traffic jam).
I have to admit, I'm on the cyclist's side, simply because I'm
not driving yet. When asked why, I babble on about exams, and
that if I started now, the tests would be in my exam period. The
real reason is that I'm lazy. But then...everyone knew that
anyway, they just accepted my excuse. This is much like the use
of the word 'sorry' in England. It's funny, but just the other
day, I realised how much we say it to one another, especially
when we don't actually mean it. For example, as you're moving
through a crowd...
"Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Ooo, hello there. My name's Eoin,
what's yours?"
...
...
"That's a mop and bucket Eoin"
"I knew that...I was just...er...saying hello, being mop and
bucket liason officer for the college and all. There was a nasty
strike about 10 years ago."
"(?)"
"Sorry"
See? We use it so often. It's supposed to be polite, but
constant use dilutes the meaning of the word. It means that when
we really do try to convey 'I'm sorry' we either have to buy
flowers and/or chocolates, or use lots of adjectives to get it
across. Otherwise, it just doesn't look, well, like you're
sorry. Honestly, just count how many times you say sorry in one
day day where it wasn't really necessary or when you weren't. It
clocks up to a horrendous amount. I admire the French in their
use of sorry. They use 'sorry' when they have to squirm out of
something really drastic like... (remember to read this in your
head with a french accent)
"Marie, I think you are the best wife in the world."
"Oh, Pierre! Thank you!"
"Yes, you are much better than my other three."
"Pierre!"
"I also smothered your mother with a pillow. She did not choke
on her croissant."
"Oh my god!"
"But I am sorry"
"Oh, I love you Pierre"
In situations where an Englishman uses 'sorry', a Frenchman uses
language which is more suited to the occasion.
"Get out of my way, you cretins! I am much more important than
you, and I'm not afraid to shout this out as LOUD AS I CAN"
"Bugger off, monsieur, I want to get through this crowd more
than you do. This is because you have shit for brains."
"I hear they called your mother 'The Neighbourhood Brick' she
got laid so many times."
"You say 'sorry' like an Englishman"
"You..."
*break through crowd*
"Well, we are out of the crowd now friend. Same time tomorrow?"
"Okay, until then. Goodbye"
Alas, we must leave it there for this issue. And so I will leave
you with this little nugget of information which I found.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into
its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
This is stupid. I think anything will let go if you gouge out
its eyes. Let's go for another fact.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
The other 86% of us just don't eat bloody watermelons.
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